This is Fifty-Four

I am aware that I left my previous post hanging out there. I will be getting back to that topic and the proposition. However, for the last few weeks, I’ve been dwelling on age. I celebrated my fifty-fourth birthday a week ago. And the understanding that I’m in the decline of my life.

Kinda hit me like a ton of bricks.

I suppose everyone who has come this place before me, has had the same or similar realization.

My parents. My grandparents. My aunts and uncles, and all of their friends, and everyone I know who came before I did. But when they arrived at this time of their life….

To me….they were OLD.

It was as common a denominator in my life, as was breathing. Their being old just was. Nothing to think on. No great discovery to make. They were OLD. Or at least they appeared to be, in my young inexperienced view.

I was NOT.

Still am NOT.

Oh….But WAIT….

Fifty-four is old. Well. Oldish. I don’t think I never really gave the thought of aging much pause until now.

I still feel young. Most of the time.

I still think sometimes as if I’m twenty-four, not fifty-four.

Fifty-four.

I am now, to my children, and their generations, what my parents and grandparents were to me.

It’s a difficult pill to swallow.

So what is fifty-four, to me?

This is what has been rolling around in my head for the past week or so.

Fifty-four years of enjoying the blessed life I have been provided with on this earth. FIfty-four years of my mind always asking “What’s Next?” but not really getting a specific answer. Fifty-four still holds an infinite number of possible answers; some will be amazingly right. Some not so much. But one thing I have learned – none of them will be wrong. They will be all the answers designed for ME to live and learn as I grow into the next half of this life.

Fifty-four years of learning how to be present in the moment and not looking to what’s ahead, and trying really hard not to look back in the rear-view mirror too much. At fifty-four, this is a hard one for me. Fifty-four sees things back in that rear-view mirror I would desperately love to capture again, to re-live, to change and make better. I am learning the lessons of appreciating how to just be in the present, and soak it in for all it’s worth in those moments.

Fifty-four years of experiencing growth, motherhood, and deep, soul-breaking, unconditional love for my children. Learning how to let go, and allow my babies to be just who they are, not what I or anyone else expects them to be in this life. Fifty-four years of laughter and tears, in peaks and valleys, sometimes all at once. Joy and sorrow, light and dark. These things that have allowed my fifty-four years to learn to process, to learn lessons from, improve upon; all these things that have shaped me to who I am today. Fifty-four years of gifts in life lessons to pass on to my children in hopes they don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Fifty-four years is love and loss. Of realizing that my heart has no understanding of time and appropriateness. Fifty-four years of a heart that still surprises me, excites me, frustrates me, leans in and wraps itself around those who have been the most important in my life, whether they like it or not, and will continue to be the loves of my life until the day I die. It is fifty-four years of letting go and trying to forgive of so many transgressions. Fifty-four years of learning that a voice can make my heart skip several beats, just at the tone and depth of one single word uttered. Fifty-four is realizing that the butterflies still exist deep in the recesses of my stomach when summoned by the right person; realizing the touch of a hand can still have the power to burn through me. It is the understanding that those attractions of my youth would not be the attractions of my experienced fifty-four self today. Attraction of the heart now holds very different meaning than it did in my youth. Most I could never be attracted to now. One I will always be attracted to until the day I die. Fifty-four years of trying to put my faith and trust in the belief that love is still out there for me. That soulmates do still exist. Fifty-four years of realizing that I won’t stop until I have found it; of learning to be unguarded and open, yet be more aware, and dare I say it, be more patient. Fifty-four is realizing that rejection can still hurt deep down inside. That I will still yearn for the deep and abiding love at this age, as I did at eighteen, and twenty-eight. That I may never find it again, and that I am learning to be comfortable with just being ME. Yet this one thing is the thing that scares me the most.

Fifty-four is accepting the aches and pains that have settled down in the deep crevices of my knees and joints. It is realizing walking three to four miles in a day is as good as pushing hard to tackle an hour of high impact aerobics. It’s wishing that I could still do those high-impact aerobics with zero-impact to my aging body. Fifty-four is realizing that my body still feels as anxious and as chaotic as it did at 18, at 28, and even 48.

Fifty-four is standing in front of the mirror and observing the wrinkles and lines that have began to settle into my face and body. It is stocking up on creams and concealers to soften the dark circles that have taken up permanent residence under my eyes. It is the secret thoughts of wondering how worth it is it really, to have work done? Would it really make that much difference? Should I do it? Fifty-Four is the gray hair that is coming at me with a vengeance that I refuse to accept. It is going to bed in pajamas full of hope for a night’s restful deep sleep, only to discover in the middle of the night that fifty-four is really just hot flashes, night sweats, and staring into the darkness hoping sleep will return quickly. It is tossing off all the bed linens from burning heat, only to pull them all up and snuggle in from the chilly air again five minutes later. It is observing the full moon streaming into my windows at night and enjoying the quiet still while the dog hogs the leg-room and sleeps peacefully at the end of the bed.

Fifty-four is accepting empty-nest syndrome as it comes on fast and furious. It is learning to enjoy each child for their individual uniqueness that the great Creator designed them to be. Of appreciating their mature outlook on life, of heart-felt conversations only adults can understand. It is the pangs of sadness when they leave to their own homes, the letting go of the fears for their continued well-being, and leaning into the belief that they will manage the best of themselves and thrive. It is about welcoming new people into my nest of children and learning to love them in a new perspective of hope and trust. Fifty-four is about completion, renewal and reinvention. It is discovering parts of myself lost long ago to parenthood and a greater responsibility.

Fifty-four is the realization that once great friends have gone by the wayside, that having many friends is not as important as having a handful of few who will stick by you through thick and thin. It is cheering on their accomplishments and successes as if they were mine, and helping to pick them up and dust them off when failures knock them down, knowing they’ll do the same for me. It is a quick call to say hello, or a brief text message to say Hey I’m Thinking Of You…and meaning it. It is the trust and knowing that those are the ones who will not ghost you suddenly without any warning or understanding. That true friends will be there to talk life out no matter the outcome, regardless of the fear of the unknown.

It is getting a message from a friend telling me they are my biggest fan and bringing me to tears in saying so, because I needed to hear it.

Fifty-four is the experience of losing friends and family to distance and death. It is promises to stay in touch no matter what. To be there until their last breath. To answer those calls that you never want to receive. It is finding a way to say good-bye too soon to those you still had so much you wanted to share this life with. It is the bittersweet realization that you can no longer have a conversation about baseball or the latest crazy Netflix show because they are not there to answer back anymore. Fifty-four is staring at your mortality and realizing what was once far away on the horizon, is now moving closer to home. It is the realization that there are still so many things to accomplish and yet the understanding to which many of those things may not come to pass. It is acceptance. It is prayers. It is hope. Every day hope that the next day will be just a little bit better than the one before. It is the work of finding meaning in your life even when it seems like there is no meaning. Of processing what spirituality means to you at 54 vs what it meant to you at 25. It is seeking a sense of purpose where you didn’t think purpose existed.

Fifty-four is the realization that career does not have the same meaning as it did in my younger years. Success and hard work do not have the same importance they did in my younger self. Fifty-four is accepting that my career path had a very different outcome compared to what was planned. That sometimes the road less traveled can sometimes be a road most fulfilled, in unexpected ways.

Fifty-four is craving music that calms my soul, instead of the loud hard notes of my youth. It is a good glass of wine instead of a long row of drinks just for the fun of it, and enjoying the fact I can recognize the difference and enjoy it all the more. It is the warmth and calm of a delicious cup of coffee greeting me each morning. Fifty-four is about craving alone time for myself. Spending time in nature when I can. Spending time with the friends who mean so much to me. Spending time enjoying my children’s’ presence and their views on the world at large. It is enjoying a quiet evening of reading a good book. A long soak in a hot bath. It is a still solid love of driving in the car and taking myself places I’ve never been to before; it is a love of travel, of experiencing this great world we live in before my eyes close for the last time.

Fifty-four is being thankful for this mysterious life, breathing in the goodness of every day’s blessings, and breathing out the things that were not. About opening myself up to new possibilities of adventure, love, compassion, gratitude for all the things I’ve experienced and all the things to still come my way. And looking forward to another year.

Photo credit to nwogen @freeimages